Sunday, May 29, 2011
i'm bad at this
it has been close to a month since i posted... and my last post was a little dark... i will try to be better on both fronts
Friday, May 6, 2011
Real Friends
I think real friends are hard to come by... I think i have 1. she is my roommate Leslie. I say she is a real friend bc she gets me... we can sit and do nothing and it doesn't matter. We go for long periods of time without seeing each other... i know i we are roommates but that doesn't mean we see each other all the time... and need to have catch up days. We can hate each other but still would fight anyone for them and don't want to see each other get hurt. Now, i think leslie has a lot of these kinds of friends. I do not.
I thought i did at one point. But the older i get the more i realize that i am that girl that people consider their friend out of convenience. I am that girl, and yes i have some fault in this, that when she shows up you go "oh yeah, i can hang out with her" but i am not that girl that you think "i need to see blank today, it has been a while and i just want to catch up."
I am typically a loner. I like to have my alone time a lot and only occasionally need social interaction. But i have been feeling alone a lot lately and that doesn't happen... even when i am enjoying my alone time i just feel so lost, so not understood, so not wanted.
I don;t want to be here. I have one thought today and it is that i want to be celebrating my brother's birthday with him. This is, i think, the first time i have mentioned my brother. Jacob was born 19 months before me and died 6 days after he was born. clearly i never met him, but not a year has gone by that i can't remember his life and death just being a normal part of my life. this year is the first time he will get to celebrate his birthday with my Grandmother. she passed in november and i, this past december, had to celebrate my first birthday ever with out her. I had her in my life for almost 26 years, less than one month shy of that, and i told my brother the day we burried her that it was his turn to have her and i wouldnt be selfish. but the thing is, i want to be selfish with both of them. Not in the sense that I want them here, but that i want to be there with them. i don;t want to be here... in this place that is not my home just bouncing though life like a clumsy little girl that can't find her footing. i want to be home... i want to be with my family.
I thought i did at one point. But the older i get the more i realize that i am that girl that people consider their friend out of convenience. I am that girl, and yes i have some fault in this, that when she shows up you go "oh yeah, i can hang out with her" but i am not that girl that you think "i need to see blank today, it has been a while and i just want to catch up."
I am typically a loner. I like to have my alone time a lot and only occasionally need social interaction. But i have been feeling alone a lot lately and that doesn't happen... even when i am enjoying my alone time i just feel so lost, so not understood, so not wanted.
I don;t want to be here. I have one thought today and it is that i want to be celebrating my brother's birthday with him. This is, i think, the first time i have mentioned my brother. Jacob was born 19 months before me and died 6 days after he was born. clearly i never met him, but not a year has gone by that i can't remember his life and death just being a normal part of my life. this year is the first time he will get to celebrate his birthday with my Grandmother. she passed in november and i, this past december, had to celebrate my first birthday ever with out her. I had her in my life for almost 26 years, less than one month shy of that, and i told my brother the day we burried her that it was his turn to have her and i wouldnt be selfish. but the thing is, i want to be selfish with both of them. Not in the sense that I want them here, but that i want to be there with them. i don;t want to be here... in this place that is not my home just bouncing though life like a clumsy little girl that can't find her footing. i want to be home... i want to be with my family.
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