merry christmas

let me start with a big ol merry christmas to everyone (not that any one reads this). i loved spending time with family. but that is about it. yes, presents are fun. but my life right now is crazy and sucks. i am thankful for what i have but it is stressing me out. i am moving twice in one week with no idea of how that is going to happen. by job is stressful beyond belief. i have spend a good part of today crying because my stomach hurts just thinking about it. why does it have to be so hard?

2012

So, it is my plan to keep up my blog in 2012. it may just be for me... but it will be a good record. i am going to try to update it daily, be it with my prayer journal, a recipe, my work out, craziness from work, or whatever.

BJG/SB vegan burrito

So i haven't tried this yet, but i want to... and i didn't want to have to hunt it down later so i am posting it. Found it on Bethany joy Galeotti's blog (bjgofficial.com) who got it from Sophia Bush (sophiabush.com/blog). this is going to be my attempt at getting back on the band wagon to getting health, again.

EASY VEGAN SWEET POTATO BURRITO

1 tsp OLIVE OIL, PEANUT OIL or EV COCONUT OIL
2 handfuls of SPINACH
1 cup frozen SWEET POTATOES
1/2 cup BLACK BEANS
1/2-1 cup ONIONS (amount to taste)
1 LOW CARB TORTILLA
1 tbsp stone ground DIJON MUSTARD

In a covered skillet, cook onions and sweet potatoes with oil until onions are translucent. Add spinach and black beans. Cover until spinach is wilted.

When veggies are cooked, add to tortilla with Dijon mustard and enjoy!

Lost

Have I had a post under that title before? It gets so hard to remember. I feel lost these days... like really lost. I have no idea where my life is going or how to get to where i am being pushed. I have no job, just started back to school, no relationship, about 2 friends to my name... really just lost. I think i need to get out of here and be somewhere new, but that would require a level of non-shyness and personality that i am not sure i possess. But i want to just into the world of the unknown. The closer that Amelia gets to being here the more i think i should have just left when i had the shot, before getting attached to her. I wish she would just get here already. But had i gone before this, i wouldn't have had a problem leaving everyone behind. Just me and my cat and dog... gone... a new life... nothing to label me as the failure that i am in this one.


I'M LOST

i'm bad at this

it has been close to a month since i posted... and my last post was a little dark... i will try to be better on both fronts

Real Friends

I think real friends are hard to come by... I think i have 1. she is my roommate Leslie. I say she is a real friend bc she gets me... we can sit and do nothing and it doesn't matter. We go for long periods of time without seeing each other... i know i we are roommates but that doesn't mean we see each other all the time... and need to have catch up days. We can hate each other but still would fight anyone for them and don't want to see each other get hurt. Now, i think leslie has a lot of these kinds of friends. I do not.


I thought i did at one point. But the older i get the more i realize that i am that girl that people consider their friend out of convenience. I am that girl, and yes i have some fault in this, that when she shows up you go "oh yeah, i can hang out with her" but i am not that girl that you think "i need to see blank today, it has been a while and i just want to catch up."


I am typically a loner. I like to have my alone time a lot and only occasionally need social interaction. But i have been feeling alone a lot lately and that doesn't happen... even when i am enjoying my alone time i just feel so lost, so not understood, so not wanted.

I don;t want to be here. I have one thought today and it is that i want to be celebrating my brother's birthday with him. This is, i think, the first time i have mentioned my brother. Jacob was born 19 months before me and died 6 days after he was born. clearly i never met him, but not a year has gone by that i can't remember his life and death just being a normal part of my life. this year is the first time he will get to celebrate his birthday with my Grandmother. she passed in november and i, this past december, had to celebrate my first birthday ever with out her. I had her in my life for almost 26 years, less than one month shy of that, and i told my brother the day we burried her that it was his turn to have her and i wouldnt be selfish. but the thing is, i want to be selfish with both of them. Not in the sense that I want them here, but that i want to be there with them. i don;t want to be here... in this place that is not my home just bouncing though life like a clumsy little girl that can't find her footing. i want to be home... i want to be with my family.

Oh what to say... oh where to begin

I am in a pretty crappy mood all the time these days. not sure what it is. could it be that i am 26, single, my dog's hair is falling out, i can't find a nursing job, i want kids today not tomorrow... oh how the list goes on.

So I'm taking my dog to the vet tomorrow. He Was chewing/biting at the skin on his butt a few months ago, but stopped and it was getting better. then in this past week he started doing it again. and since the skin wasn't fully healed from the last time it just ripped open like no one's business. So i bathed him today and made his year appointment and they are going to look at this skin issue. I thought it might be fleas, but it just seems like so much more. He has lost a lot of hair on his belly, arms and pits, and around his booty. It is really quite sad. I am a horrible pet mommy.

I keep getting those lovely rejection notices from hospitals... i am so over it.

I need to take my tax stuff up to KSU tomorrow to see if i can afford to go to school this summer.

My sister went to the doctor on thursday. He said Melo is probably 2 weeks old than what they have been saying... which bumps due date from june 26 to june 12. That is fun! I think she will come the first week of june... which would make me miss Karly's wedding :(

Karly is getting married! I know i haven't mentioned Karly before so let me back up. Karly is about 4 years younger than me and we met at church. She and i went through parental issues around the same time (as well as another friend) and i like to think it made us more of friends. She has been dating Clay for what seems like forever and they are getting hitched on June 3rd! WooHoo!

So here is a revelation I haven't shared with anyone other than Leslie, my sis, and my aunt.... I had an eHarmony account. I paid for it.... for a year. It just lapsed. Do you know how many people i had an in dept conversation with from that site in a year? 1.... sad right.


Leslie just got home. I haven't talked to her in a long time. we've been pissy together.