Oh what to say... oh where to begin

I am in a pretty crappy mood all the time these days. not sure what it is. could it be that i am 26, single, my dog's hair is falling out, i can't find a nursing job, i want kids today not tomorrow... oh how the list goes on.

So I'm taking my dog to the vet tomorrow. He Was chewing/biting at the skin on his butt a few months ago, but stopped and it was getting better. then in this past week he started doing it again. and since the skin wasn't fully healed from the last time it just ripped open like no one's business. So i bathed him today and made his year appointment and they are going to look at this skin issue. I thought it might be fleas, but it just seems like so much more. He has lost a lot of hair on his belly, arms and pits, and around his booty. It is really quite sad. I am a horrible pet mommy.

I keep getting those lovely rejection notices from hospitals... i am so over it.

I need to take my tax stuff up to KSU tomorrow to see if i can afford to go to school this summer.

My sister went to the doctor on thursday. He said Melo is probably 2 weeks old than what they have been saying... which bumps due date from june 26 to june 12. That is fun! I think she will come the first week of june... which would make me miss Karly's wedding :(

Karly is getting married! I know i haven't mentioned Karly before so let me back up. Karly is about 4 years younger than me and we met at church. She and i went through parental issues around the same time (as well as another friend) and i like to think it made us more of friends. She has been dating Clay for what seems like forever and they are getting hitched on June 3rd! WooHoo!

So here is a revelation I haven't shared with anyone other than Leslie, my sis, and my aunt.... I had an eHarmony account. I paid for it.... for a year. It just lapsed. Do you know how many people i had an in dept conversation with from that site in a year? 1.... sad right.


Leslie just got home. I haven't talked to her in a long time. we've been pissy together.

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Baby shower

So, today we had a baby shower more my sister. Yes it is her 4th child but her biological father's side of the family was not there for the past 3 kids so they wanted to do something for MeLo. It was good. And I think that is the official decision on Amelia's nickname spelling. Most people are calling her Millie, but I want my grandmother to be a part of her always... so I call her MeLo. I am hoping Grandmother is getting a part in preparing her little soul for life down here and getting to spend time with Melo. I hope Jacob is getting to spend time with her too. I had never thought about souls being in heaven first and getting love from people we know before coming down here, but after reading Heaven is for Real I decided that is how it must be.

So, i know I haven't posted here in a long time. No one really reads this so it doesn't matter. I've been down a lot lately. I just haven;t felt like being lately. I know that may sound weird. But I just don't. I know that I do not have a bad life... i know that. But my life is not where I thought it would be and that is hard. I just wish I could feel a guiding hand on me so I know what I am going through is for a purpose... that it is making me strong or something. Because all I feel right now is weak... crazy weak. so weak in fact, that if I was a more selfish person... I wouldn't be here. I write that because I know no one is reading and I feel a little safe putting it here. I've talked with my sister and close friends a lot that I play the "what if" game in the car. My what if game consist of thoughts like "what if i drove my car into that lake" or "wrapped my car around that telephone pole"... would anyone care, if i survived who would come if anyone to my hospital room... but it isn't a what if game if you really contemplate doing it right? I just feel weak.