So, today we had a baby shower more my sister. Yes it is her 4th child but her biological father's side of the family was not there for the past 3 kids so they wanted to do something for MeLo. It was good. And I think that is the official decision on Amelia's nickname spelling. Most people are calling her Millie, but I want my grandmother to be a part of her always... so I call her MeLo. I am hoping Grandmother is getting a part in preparing her little soul for life down here and getting to spend time with Melo. I hope Jacob is getting to spend time with her too. I had never thought about souls being in heaven first and getting love from people we know before coming down here, but after reading Heaven is for Real I decided that is how it must be.
So, i know I haven't posted here in a long time. No one really reads this so it doesn't matter. I've been down a lot lately. I just haven;t felt like being lately. I know that may sound weird. But I just don't. I know that I do not have a bad life... i know that. But my life is not where I thought it would be and that is hard. I just wish I could feel a guiding hand on me so I know what I am going through is for a purpose... that it is making me strong or something. Because all I feel right now is weak... crazy weak. so weak in fact, that if I was a more selfish person... I wouldn't be here. I write that because I know no one is reading and I feel a little safe putting it here. I've talked with my sister and close friends a lot that I play the "what if" game in the car. My what if game consist of thoughts like "what if i drove my car into that lake" or "wrapped my car around that telephone pole"... would anyone care, if i survived who would come if anyone to my hospital room... but it isn't a what if game if you really contemplate doing it right? I just feel weak.
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