I got to hang out with my wonder aunt Kris today! I miss her living here so much and i wish i visited her in NC more often! We went to eat lunch at the Varsity (more on that later), chilled at Grandmother's, ate dinner at the Italian Oven, and went shopping at Borders.
So Borders is closing 5 atlanta area stores... oh my how i am going to get into trouble with that! I love books these days (and a lot of other crap they have there). Right now most stuff is 20% off so i will wait until stuff is reduced more. But it is going to cost me... and i;m okay with that! I can't wait to buy lots and lots of books!
My aunt is great! I worry about her a lot... especially since Grandmother passed. She is a busy, busy person and has 4 young kids and i just dont think she has gotten the time for herself to deal with Grandmother's passing. I wish she lived here! I need to talk to her a lot but I know she is busy and over the phone just isn't the same as in person any way. I want to make more time to go up there.
Sweet story about Livi (Kristi's almost 4 year old). She was going to bed last night at Grandmothers and said to Kris, "I'm ready for Grandmother to come back from Heaven now." Isn't that sweet?!?! And can I just say... me too Livi... me freaking too!
I haven't really talked to anyone much about Grandmother lately. I feel like I am coming apart at the seems when it comes to talking about her... and well, i dont like to lose it in front of people and i just feel like everyone (not my fam but my friends) have moved on from that. I know they would let me talk about it if I did, but Grandmother is all I want to talk about. I miss her! I MISS HER!!! I really want to hear her voice again... and at this point i would settle for a recording becuase I know it is all i'm going to get and I hate that! I want to talk to her and feel close to her again. today, Kristi was talk about their tript o Dollywood last summer and I just wanted to scream. I was invited to go but didn't want to leave my sister without someone to help her with the girls and I had already been gone a lost and couldn't afford to miss another week. I couldn't afford it was my biggest excuse... I thought I had time with her. i thought I have 20 more years with her... and I don't have any time now. I should have gone. I hate myself for not going. Just like I hate myself fot the countless times I turned down a trip to see Kristi with her. Why did I do that? I could have so many more memories with her... maybe that would have made this time less painful.
I need to stop with the sad... i'm losing it and I don't want to feel that right now.
So back to the Varsity.
If you don't live near Atlanta or have never been here or to the Varsity... it is AWESOME! They say the are the world's larges drive-in... but i dont think it is true. It is truly an experience to go there. it is just a burgers and hot dog place, but it is so old school Atlanta that it isnt even funny! So I had two chili dogs and onion rings. They were so good... like soooo good! But now, they have come back to bite me! I have horrible poo right now. I know TMI, but it is true. It is the greasiest food you will ever have, but soooo good! I swear the grease has to be 20 years old at least to get the flavor out of it that they do. Give it a try the next time you are in town... and bring some tums of pepto!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
after the cruise
so i'm bad at this i know. The cruise was a lot of fun. There isn't a lot to say about it because mostly i relaxed a lot! that was the best part, although i kind of wish it had just been to a beach anywhere and not a cruise because i just slept. but seeing the Bahamas was cool. we went to the atlantis resort. it was beautiful and their aquariums were cool.
Next week i think will be hard. I will be sitting at a very very good friends wedding... and i honestly dont know if i will keep it together. i love him, this will be hard, i dont want it to happen, i am so happy for him... i think i will say goodbye, for the last time. its too hard to love him and not be the one he wants. i hope she protects his heart and cherishes it always.
Next week i think will be hard. I will be sitting at a very very good friends wedding... and i honestly dont know if i will keep it together. i love him, this will be hard, i dont want it to happen, i am so happy for him... i think i will say goodbye, for the last time. its too hard to love him and not be the one he wants. i hope she protects his heart and cherishes it always.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Love and other drugs...
So no I didnt see that movie, but i want to and i thought it was a great title for an after v-day post. First... Sunday a group of us had a suite at the Thrashers game. We lost but i love being in the suite!
Okay, so Valentines day... um, I don't like it. I could pull the "oh, I'm single and loving it" bull that most single people try to do, but i wouldn't be fooling anyone. Don't get me wrong, I like not having to consult with anyone on my life, but I would love to have someone there to share life with... otherwise is a life really worth living? I think now (no i'm not suicidal, just still looking). I will say that I do not see valentines day as a couples only day. I use it to make sure the important people in my life know that I love them. So, My roommate Leslie and I took our second mom out to eat! Well really we invited her and she paid because she is sweet and awesome and we are broke! We had tiacoon sushi and it was awesome as always. then Les and I went to see The Roommate... great movie! Leighton Meester does an amazing job at being crazy! Go see it!
At papa's for the next 2 nights. Tomorrow I am actually not working. Instead I have a Clinical Sub trainging to go to. It could turn out to be an opened door into CCSD nursing pool for the school nursing position. Could be a good thing!
And then Thursday morning (really should say wednesday night because 2 am is a rediculous time to be awake) I will be getting on a charter bus with a bunch of women from church. We will be Orlando bound for our cruise! BAHAMAS BABY!!!!!! I can't wait to thaw out. More on that when I get back. Which is sunday FYI.
So at church we are reading though the Bible this year. I get a daily email with a chunk of verses... and i am about a week behind. I plan on catching up on the ride down! I am a Christian but I will be the first to admit I dont not know much of the Bible outside of VBS stories. I mean, I look things up when I have a question, but in general I suck at reading His word. Hoping to get better at that.
Now it is question time! I have a mutt... he looks like a black lab. Brink is about 9 years old and keeps making bald spots on his back and hind legs from scratching and biting. He needs a bath, do you think that is all it is or might something more be going on? I feel like a horrible mom to my dog-child. HELP!
Okay, so Valentines day... um, I don't like it. I could pull the "oh, I'm single and loving it" bull that most single people try to do, but i wouldn't be fooling anyone. Don't get me wrong, I like not having to consult with anyone on my life, but I would love to have someone there to share life with... otherwise is a life really worth living? I think now (no i'm not suicidal, just still looking). I will say that I do not see valentines day as a couples only day. I use it to make sure the important people in my life know that I love them. So, My roommate Leslie and I took our second mom out to eat! Well really we invited her and she paid because she is sweet and awesome and we are broke! We had tiacoon sushi and it was awesome as always. then Les and I went to see The Roommate... great movie! Leighton Meester does an amazing job at being crazy! Go see it!
At papa's for the next 2 nights. Tomorrow I am actually not working. Instead I have a Clinical Sub trainging to go to. It could turn out to be an opened door into CCSD nursing pool for the school nursing position. Could be a good thing!
And then Thursday morning (really should say wednesday night because 2 am is a rediculous time to be awake) I will be getting on a charter bus with a bunch of women from church. We will be Orlando bound for our cruise! BAHAMAS BABY!!!!!! I can't wait to thaw out. More on that when I get back. Which is sunday FYI.
So at church we are reading though the Bible this year. I get a daily email with a chunk of verses... and i am about a week behind. I plan on catching up on the ride down! I am a Christian but I will be the first to admit I dont not know much of the Bible outside of VBS stories. I mean, I look things up when I have a question, but in general I suck at reading His word. Hoping to get better at that.
Now it is question time! I have a mutt... he looks like a black lab. Brink is about 9 years old and keeps making bald spots on his back and hind legs from scratching and biting. He needs a bath, do you think that is all it is or might something more be going on? I feel like a horrible mom to my dog-child. HELP!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Melo is awesome!
So... I'll recap my past couple of days.
Monday: Nothing too exciting. But we had a going away dinner for my friend Drew. It is very sad to think of him as gone. He moved to Arkansas for a job and a change and to get back into life. I get it and fully support it and wish I could do the same. We has sushi and then watched scott pilgrim vs. the world. It was good. Fun to have a good laugh with Drew before he left.
Tuesday: Went baby shopping with Jenn for Melo ( Amelia Lois is her name, but I love that she is names after my grandmother so I will call her Melo). We registered at babies r us which is always fun... i want to just go and create random registries at places. then we went to target and bought stuff... bad combo with us together in the baby section! Was at Papa's that night. Nothing big, we talked a little and watched TV. I recorded a bunch of stuff because I was tired.
Wednesday: the girls' bunk beds came. They are huge!!!! I want some for my house. Sophie and Kate love them... they love to play on them. Went to Papa's and watched Idol. Watched some life news feed court thing for a while with him. it was so fascinating. Mom is being dumb... shocking. Something needs to happen there.
Then there is today, Thursday! Jenn got a call from Kaiser this morning. MELO IS JUST FINE! So to catch you up on that. Jenn's week 13 blood test came back abnormal. So she had to meet with genetic counselors and then get an amnio and high res ultrasound done. That was 2 weeks ago and today we know she is going to be a healthy baby! So excited about this!
It is now one week away from the cruise! I can not wait to thaw these bones out!
Monday: Nothing too exciting. But we had a going away dinner for my friend Drew. It is very sad to think of him as gone. He moved to Arkansas for a job and a change and to get back into life. I get it and fully support it and wish I could do the same. We has sushi and then watched scott pilgrim vs. the world. It was good. Fun to have a good laugh with Drew before he left.
Tuesday: Went baby shopping with Jenn for Melo ( Amelia Lois is her name, but I love that she is names after my grandmother so I will call her Melo). We registered at babies r us which is always fun... i want to just go and create random registries at places. then we went to target and bought stuff... bad combo with us together in the baby section! Was at Papa's that night. Nothing big, we talked a little and watched TV. I recorded a bunch of stuff because I was tired.
Wednesday: the girls' bunk beds came. They are huge!!!! I want some for my house. Sophie and Kate love them... they love to play on them. Went to Papa's and watched Idol. Watched some life news feed court thing for a while with him. it was so fascinating. Mom is being dumb... shocking. Something needs to happen there.
Then there is today, Thursday! Jenn got a call from Kaiser this morning. MELO IS JUST FINE! So to catch you up on that. Jenn's week 13 blood test came back abnormal. So she had to meet with genetic counselors and then get an amnio and high res ultrasound done. That was 2 weeks ago and today we know she is going to be a healthy baby! So excited about this!
It is now one week away from the cruise! I can not wait to thaw these bones out!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Happy Birthday Grandmother!
So today is rough! Today would have been my Grandmother's 72nd birthday! A little back ground is that my Grandmother passed on November 24, 2010 from mesothelioma (cancer). She was diagnosed just three short weeks before passing and while it is a true blessing that she did not suffer long, we are left here suffering without her. It was too short of a time! My grandmother had never been sick a day in her life which is rare... she even had to keep saying that to her doctors though out the whole process.
My Grandmother was an awesome woman! She is the embodiment of proverbs 31... something I want to be! She was still working full time when she got sick... at 71 still working her butt off doing something she loved! I think she was going to retire after this birthday and move to NC to be with my aunt and her kids. There are the only "grands" that are still little and she and Kris had an inseparable bond.
I am having a hard time with her not being here. When you are growing up you learn the lesson that people are not going to live forever... that is just a fact of life. And while I accept that, it is still rough when it happens.
I spend 2 nights a week with my Papa and it is a blessing to get this time with him. But it is so hard. Being with him isn't hard, he is really easy to get along with. But walking into the house and just wanting to see her is beyond words hard! I just want it to be a bad dream every time I go over there and I want to wake up and have her say "its okay nanoo I am right here". But it isn't a bad dream... it is my new reality and I hate it. i keep trying to find a place that make me feel close to her but I can't. I can't get past the huge hole that has been left in me. I just can't feel her... aren't you suppose to get a little buffer time of feeling the person you lost everywhere and then in a special place for the tow of you. I think my special place with her was in the car. I know it sound silly, but some of the best times I had with her was road tripping to see Kris! We would talk about everything and nothing... it was our time together for just us.
I find myself being jealous a lot of the experiences my sister, cousins, aunt, uncles, family friends, my friends, and really anyone who got to do something with her or had her at something that I will never get to. For example: My good friend Lauren got married last year. her husband told me today he was going through some things and found their guest book for their wedding and her signature was in there. I wanted to cry, but that is really cool for them. I will never have my grandmother at my wedding. She won't be in the bridal room getting ready with me, wont alter my dress, wont walk down the isle to the grandmother's song. Instead I get to carry a picture of her on my flowers or put a pink rose on an empty chair. I always thought those were such sweet moments and things when I went to wedding and saw that and now I am just bitter and mad about it!
My grandmother wont be there when I have kids. She wont give them their first bath or sing sweet songs to them. She wont whisper sweet words to them or kiss their noses. she wont get to tell them stories about how I was when I was their age. My kids will never get to be a part of a Grandmother Twas the Night Before Christmas reading, get her broccoli salad, or cranberry stuff It make me mad an more than a little resentful of my sister and cousins who have gotten all of this.
She wont be there when I buy my first house and need curtains. She wont be there when i finally get my first job or go back to school or get my bachelors or masters. She wasn't there for my 26th birthday. I never get to eat lunch with her again.
And then I just get sad that I am resentful off all of that when I got to spend a quarter of my life with her. I think about my little cousins who wont get to experience all of those things with her and so much more. It makes me so sad they wont have her for most of their first days of school or graduation, recitals, games, school dances, baptisms, broken bones, broken hearts, broke rules. they don't get to hear her "its okays" and "grandmother will fix its". My family lost it's rock, it's core, and I don't know how to deal with that.
Today is her birthday and I miss her more than ever. I want to feel her again. I talk to her all the time but I just want an answer and I will never get one. Why doesn't every one's life stop when you lose such a huge part of your world? Why does the world keep spinning?
Lois Brooks Nesbitt
February 6, 1939 - November 24, 2010
Forever Missed!
My Grandmother was an awesome woman! She is the embodiment of proverbs 31... something I want to be! She was still working full time when she got sick... at 71 still working her butt off doing something she loved! I think she was going to retire after this birthday and move to NC to be with my aunt and her kids. There are the only "grands" that are still little and she and Kris had an inseparable bond.
I am having a hard time with her not being here. When you are growing up you learn the lesson that people are not going to live forever... that is just a fact of life. And while I accept that, it is still rough when it happens.
I spend 2 nights a week with my Papa and it is a blessing to get this time with him. But it is so hard. Being with him isn't hard, he is really easy to get along with. But walking into the house and just wanting to see her is beyond words hard! I just want it to be a bad dream every time I go over there and I want to wake up and have her say "its okay nanoo I am right here". But it isn't a bad dream... it is my new reality and I hate it. i keep trying to find a place that make me feel close to her but I can't. I can't get past the huge hole that has been left in me. I just can't feel her... aren't you suppose to get a little buffer time of feeling the person you lost everywhere and then in a special place for the tow of you. I think my special place with her was in the car. I know it sound silly, but some of the best times I had with her was road tripping to see Kris! We would talk about everything and nothing... it was our time together for just us.
I find myself being jealous a lot of the experiences my sister, cousins, aunt, uncles, family friends, my friends, and really anyone who got to do something with her or had her at something that I will never get to. For example: My good friend Lauren got married last year. her husband told me today he was going through some things and found their guest book for their wedding and her signature was in there. I wanted to cry, but that is really cool for them. I will never have my grandmother at my wedding. She won't be in the bridal room getting ready with me, wont alter my dress, wont walk down the isle to the grandmother's song. Instead I get to carry a picture of her on my flowers or put a pink rose on an empty chair. I always thought those were such sweet moments and things when I went to wedding and saw that and now I am just bitter and mad about it!
My grandmother wont be there when I have kids. She wont give them their first bath or sing sweet songs to them. She wont whisper sweet words to them or kiss their noses. she wont get to tell them stories about how I was when I was their age. My kids will never get to be a part of a Grandmother Twas the Night Before Christmas reading, get her broccoli salad, or cranberry stuff It make me mad an more than a little resentful of my sister and cousins who have gotten all of this.
She wont be there when I buy my first house and need curtains. She wont be there when i finally get my first job or go back to school or get my bachelors or masters. She wasn't there for my 26th birthday. I never get to eat lunch with her again.
And then I just get sad that I am resentful off all of that when I got to spend a quarter of my life with her. I think about my little cousins who wont get to experience all of those things with her and so much more. It makes me so sad they wont have her for most of their first days of school or graduation, recitals, games, school dances, baptisms, broken bones, broken hearts, broke rules. they don't get to hear her "its okays" and "grandmother will fix its". My family lost it's rock, it's core, and I don't know how to deal with that.
Today is her birthday and I miss her more than ever. I want to feel her again. I talk to her all the time but I just want an answer and I will never get one. Why doesn't every one's life stop when you lose such a huge part of your world? Why does the world keep spinning?
Lois Brooks Nesbitt
February 6, 1939 - November 24, 2010
Forever Missed!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Failing
So I have failed horribly at keeping a blog right? Oh well!
I do not have the internet when I am at Papa's and usually don't have time to get on at Jenn's. So I am going to shoot for 3 posts per week.
Today is Friday! I really do love Fridays! I am going to clean my room today... that sucks. It is horrible. I mean like months on end of mail and clothes and what not just piling up! So my plan is to get my bathroom in order then the rest of my room. you don't want to hear about this!
I've been a bit blah emotionally these days. extremely moody! I snap for just about anything and want to cry a lot! But the crying is a funny thing, it doesn't actually come! Well, it tries when I am in the car. Only when I am in the car... crazy!
I've been hit in the face recently with a lot. The job thing, losing Grandmother, my best friend getting married soon, people not being who I thought they were... just a lot. I know it hitting me is in part due to me being moody, but I really don't know what to do about that right now.
I am going to go play the MJ wii game now... it is pretty funny! I will start the 10 day challenge soonish.
I do not have the internet when I am at Papa's and usually don't have time to get on at Jenn's. So I am going to shoot for 3 posts per week.
Today is Friday! I really do love Fridays! I am going to clean my room today... that sucks. It is horrible. I mean like months on end of mail and clothes and what not just piling up! So my plan is to get my bathroom in order then the rest of my room. you don't want to hear about this!
I've been a bit blah emotionally these days. extremely moody! I snap for just about anything and want to cry a lot! But the crying is a funny thing, it doesn't actually come! Well, it tries when I am in the car. Only when I am in the car... crazy!
I've been hit in the face recently with a lot. The job thing, losing Grandmother, my best friend getting married soon, people not being who I thought they were... just a lot. I know it hitting me is in part due to me being moody, but I really don't know what to do about that right now.
I am going to go play the MJ wii game now... it is pretty funny! I will start the 10 day challenge soonish.
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