So today is rough! Today would have been my Grandmother's 72nd birthday! A little back ground is that my Grandmother passed on November 24, 2010 from mesothelioma (cancer). She was diagnosed just three short weeks before passing and while it is a true blessing that she did not suffer long, we are left here suffering without her. It was too short of a time! My grandmother had never been sick a day in her life which is rare... she even had to keep saying that to her doctors though out the whole process.
My Grandmother was an awesome woman! She is the embodiment of proverbs 31... something I want to be! She was still working full time when she got sick... at 71 still working her butt off doing something she loved! I think she was going to retire after this birthday and move to NC to be with my aunt and her kids. There are the only "grands" that are still little and she and Kris had an inseparable bond.
I am having a hard time with her not being here. When you are growing up you learn the lesson that people are not going to live forever... that is just a fact of life. And while I accept that, it is still rough when it happens.
I spend 2 nights a week with my Papa and it is a blessing to get this time with him. But it is so hard. Being with him isn't hard, he is really easy to get along with. But walking into the house and just wanting to see her is beyond words hard! I just want it to be a bad dream every time I go over there and I want to wake up and have her say "its okay nanoo I am right here". But it isn't a bad dream... it is my new reality and I hate it. i keep trying to find a place that make me feel close to her but I can't. I can't get past the huge hole that has been left in me. I just can't feel her... aren't you suppose to get a little buffer time of feeling the person you lost everywhere and then in a special place for the tow of you. I think my special place with her was in the car. I know it sound silly, but some of the best times I had with her was road tripping to see Kris! We would talk about everything and nothing... it was our time together for just us.
I find myself being jealous a lot of the experiences my sister, cousins, aunt, uncles, family friends, my friends, and really anyone who got to do something with her or had her at something that I will never get to. For example: My good friend Lauren got married last year. her husband told me today he was going through some things and found their guest book for their wedding and her signature was in there. I wanted to cry, but that is really cool for them. I will never have my grandmother at my wedding. She won't be in the bridal room getting ready with me, wont alter my dress, wont walk down the isle to the grandmother's song. Instead I get to carry a picture of her on my flowers or put a pink rose on an empty chair. I always thought those were such sweet moments and things when I went to wedding and saw that and now I am just bitter and mad about it!
My grandmother wont be there when I have kids. She wont give them their first bath or sing sweet songs to them. She wont whisper sweet words to them or kiss their noses. she wont get to tell them stories about how I was when I was their age. My kids will never get to be a part of a Grandmother Twas the Night Before Christmas reading, get her broccoli salad, or cranberry stuff It make me mad an more than a little resentful of my sister and cousins who have gotten all of this.
She wont be there when I buy my first house and need curtains. She wont be there when i finally get my first job or go back to school or get my bachelors or masters. She wasn't there for my 26th birthday. I never get to eat lunch with her again.
And then I just get sad that I am resentful off all of that when I got to spend a quarter of my life with her. I think about my little cousins who wont get to experience all of those things with her and so much more. It makes me so sad they wont have her for most of their first days of school or graduation, recitals, games, school dances, baptisms, broken bones, broken hearts, broke rules. they don't get to hear her "its okays" and "grandmother will fix its". My family lost it's rock, it's core, and I don't know how to deal with that.
Today is her birthday and I miss her more than ever. I want to feel her again. I talk to her all the time but I just want an answer and I will never get one. Why doesn't every one's life stop when you lose such a huge part of your world? Why does the world keep spinning?
Lois Brooks Nesbitt
February 6, 1939 - November 24, 2010
Forever Missed!
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