merry christmas

let me start with a big ol merry christmas to everyone (not that any one reads this). i loved spending time with family. but that is about it. yes, presents are fun. but my life right now is crazy and sucks. i am thankful for what i have but it is stressing me out. i am moving twice in one week with no idea of how that is going to happen. by job is stressful beyond belief. i have spend a good part of today crying because my stomach hurts just thinking about it. why does it have to be so hard?

2012

So, it is my plan to keep up my blog in 2012. it may just be for me... but it will be a good record. i am going to try to update it daily, be it with my prayer journal, a recipe, my work out, craziness from work, or whatever.

BJG/SB vegan burrito

So i haven't tried this yet, but i want to... and i didn't want to have to hunt it down later so i am posting it. Found it on Bethany joy Galeotti's blog (bjgofficial.com) who got it from Sophia Bush (sophiabush.com/blog). this is going to be my attempt at getting back on the band wagon to getting health, again.

EASY VEGAN SWEET POTATO BURRITO

1 tsp OLIVE OIL, PEANUT OIL or EV COCONUT OIL
2 handfuls of SPINACH
1 cup frozen SWEET POTATOES
1/2 cup BLACK BEANS
1/2-1 cup ONIONS (amount to taste)
1 LOW CARB TORTILLA
1 tbsp stone ground DIJON MUSTARD

In a covered skillet, cook onions and sweet potatoes with oil until onions are translucent. Add spinach and black beans. Cover until spinach is wilted.

When veggies are cooked, add to tortilla with Dijon mustard and enjoy!

Lost

Have I had a post under that title before? It gets so hard to remember. I feel lost these days... like really lost. I have no idea where my life is going or how to get to where i am being pushed. I have no job, just started back to school, no relationship, about 2 friends to my name... really just lost. I think i need to get out of here and be somewhere new, but that would require a level of non-shyness and personality that i am not sure i possess. But i want to just into the world of the unknown. The closer that Amelia gets to being here the more i think i should have just left when i had the shot, before getting attached to her. I wish she would just get here already. But had i gone before this, i wouldn't have had a problem leaving everyone behind. Just me and my cat and dog... gone... a new life... nothing to label me as the failure that i am in this one.


I'M LOST

i'm bad at this

it has been close to a month since i posted... and my last post was a little dark... i will try to be better on both fronts

Real Friends

I think real friends are hard to come by... I think i have 1. she is my roommate Leslie. I say she is a real friend bc she gets me... we can sit and do nothing and it doesn't matter. We go for long periods of time without seeing each other... i know i we are roommates but that doesn't mean we see each other all the time... and need to have catch up days. We can hate each other but still would fight anyone for them and don't want to see each other get hurt. Now, i think leslie has a lot of these kinds of friends. I do not.


I thought i did at one point. But the older i get the more i realize that i am that girl that people consider their friend out of convenience. I am that girl, and yes i have some fault in this, that when she shows up you go "oh yeah, i can hang out with her" but i am not that girl that you think "i need to see blank today, it has been a while and i just want to catch up."


I am typically a loner. I like to have my alone time a lot and only occasionally need social interaction. But i have been feeling alone a lot lately and that doesn't happen... even when i am enjoying my alone time i just feel so lost, so not understood, so not wanted.

I don;t want to be here. I have one thought today and it is that i want to be celebrating my brother's birthday with him. This is, i think, the first time i have mentioned my brother. Jacob was born 19 months before me and died 6 days after he was born. clearly i never met him, but not a year has gone by that i can't remember his life and death just being a normal part of my life. this year is the first time he will get to celebrate his birthday with my Grandmother. she passed in november and i, this past december, had to celebrate my first birthday ever with out her. I had her in my life for almost 26 years, less than one month shy of that, and i told my brother the day we burried her that it was his turn to have her and i wouldnt be selfish. but the thing is, i want to be selfish with both of them. Not in the sense that I want them here, but that i want to be there with them. i don;t want to be here... in this place that is not my home just bouncing though life like a clumsy little girl that can't find her footing. i want to be home... i want to be with my family.

Oh what to say... oh where to begin

I am in a pretty crappy mood all the time these days. not sure what it is. could it be that i am 26, single, my dog's hair is falling out, i can't find a nursing job, i want kids today not tomorrow... oh how the list goes on.

So I'm taking my dog to the vet tomorrow. He Was chewing/biting at the skin on his butt a few months ago, but stopped and it was getting better. then in this past week he started doing it again. and since the skin wasn't fully healed from the last time it just ripped open like no one's business. So i bathed him today and made his year appointment and they are going to look at this skin issue. I thought it might be fleas, but it just seems like so much more. He has lost a lot of hair on his belly, arms and pits, and around his booty. It is really quite sad. I am a horrible pet mommy.

I keep getting those lovely rejection notices from hospitals... i am so over it.

I need to take my tax stuff up to KSU tomorrow to see if i can afford to go to school this summer.

My sister went to the doctor on thursday. He said Melo is probably 2 weeks old than what they have been saying... which bumps due date from june 26 to june 12. That is fun! I think she will come the first week of june... which would make me miss Karly's wedding :(

Karly is getting married! I know i haven't mentioned Karly before so let me back up. Karly is about 4 years younger than me and we met at church. She and i went through parental issues around the same time (as well as another friend) and i like to think it made us more of friends. She has been dating Clay for what seems like forever and they are getting hitched on June 3rd! WooHoo!

So here is a revelation I haven't shared with anyone other than Leslie, my sis, and my aunt.... I had an eHarmony account. I paid for it.... for a year. It just lapsed. Do you know how many people i had an in dept conversation with from that site in a year? 1.... sad right.


Leslie just got home. I haven't talked to her in a long time. we've been pissy together.

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Baby shower

So, today we had a baby shower more my sister. Yes it is her 4th child but her biological father's side of the family was not there for the past 3 kids so they wanted to do something for MeLo. It was good. And I think that is the official decision on Amelia's nickname spelling. Most people are calling her Millie, but I want my grandmother to be a part of her always... so I call her MeLo. I am hoping Grandmother is getting a part in preparing her little soul for life down here and getting to spend time with Melo. I hope Jacob is getting to spend time with her too. I had never thought about souls being in heaven first and getting love from people we know before coming down here, but after reading Heaven is for Real I decided that is how it must be.

So, i know I haven't posted here in a long time. No one really reads this so it doesn't matter. I've been down a lot lately. I just haven;t felt like being lately. I know that may sound weird. But I just don't. I know that I do not have a bad life... i know that. But my life is not where I thought it would be and that is hard. I just wish I could feel a guiding hand on me so I know what I am going through is for a purpose... that it is making me strong or something. Because all I feel right now is weak... crazy weak. so weak in fact, that if I was a more selfish person... I wouldn't be here. I write that because I know no one is reading and I feel a little safe putting it here. I've talked with my sister and close friends a lot that I play the "what if" game in the car. My what if game consist of thoughts like "what if i drove my car into that lake" or "wrapped my car around that telephone pole"... would anyone care, if i survived who would come if anyone to my hospital room... but it isn't a what if game if you really contemplate doing it right? I just feel weak.

FRIDAY!!!!!!!

So, this week has been weird for me. I couldn't keep the day of the week straight to save my life! fortunately, i woke up this AM remembering it was friday! I wasn't just excited because it was the end of the week... no no, it was my first day as a clinic sub! Since I graduated in May 2009 with my Associates degree in nursing, I have yet to find a nursing job. It has been overwhelming to think about how much hard work I put into getting my degree and now not be able to find a job. So, fast forward almost 2 year, I FINALLY GO TO BE A NURSE!!!!!

So, clinic sub duty was pretty fun. I started of really nervous and stayed pretty nervous through the day. I had a lot of diabetic kids come... the amount i had was unusual for a school. A lot of headaches and stomach aches... i think because it was Friday. I don't think i provided anyone with bad care. I even had to check on kid for lice (my head is still itching!). It was fun and I am looking forward to next week when I am at a middle school 2 days and an elementary school 1. I am a little more nervous about the elementary school. I just dont know how that day will go. So pray that nothing major happens!

This weekend I think i will really try to get some cleaning done. I am horrible at cleaning! I just hate it! I also need to take Brink (my dog) to the vet. He has some weird skin thing going on. He scratches constantly, to the point of hairless red skin. it is pretty nasty and I thought it would get better, but it hasn't.

SXSW for Japan

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Thinking... lots of thinking

So... trying to stick with once a week posting. I just forget about it.

My week: pretty easy. The girls only went to school one day, so I had lots of cuddle time with them! I love cuddle time.

Yesterday I was a horrible person (at least in thinking and for the first part of the day). I was watching the today show and they were doing the segment about birthdays of people who are over 100. This lady popped up that was celebrating her 107th birthday. do you know what my very first thought was? If you would have shared the wealth and died 15 years ago maybe my grandmother would still be alive. Okay, yes I felt bad after I thought it but i still felt it. Yes I know logically it doesn't make sense and her life had no bearing on my grandmother's life or death... but i still felt it. horrible i know.

After i was done being horrible, I took the girls to the park. they love the park... they love being outside! After we played for about an hour went to to lunch with Granna (my mom). then I pushed my limits and headed to the grocery story. They were so good all day for me... no nap and all! I am sure my sister was cursing me last night, but i dont care!

While we were in the care yesterday, I came across a song that i used to just love... and now it just make so much sense to me. it is :world spins madly on" by the weepies. okay here are the lyrics:

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

I am so stuck in this right now. Why does the world keep going... why does everyone else get to keep moving on and I am just so stuck? It sucks... these words are my life. and while I think this song is referring to a romantic relationship, it is all of my relationships... it is losing on of my best friends, my grandmother's death, my friends lives being set into motion and mine just wont get started no matter how hard I try. I just want to stay in bed and sink. But i don't. I'll put a video up with the song at the end of the post. it is an awesome song.

On to different and not as depressing things. I am hungry! Church is having a Back Lot Film Festival today and I am part of the group that helps set it up. It is really an honor to finally be involved in it's 4th year. It is a really fun event where people from church creates movies and we all get together, dress up, and treat it like the oscars. I am running late right now to get back up to the church and keep decorating for it. It will be a great night and I am excited. I'm not getting all dressy dressy. The original plan was to do duct tape dresses... then it was for 20s style flapper dresses (most i think stuck with this) but I didn't ever do my dress... so I', not sure what I am wearing yet. 

I think that is is for now. I know I had a lot more to say thinking about this post, now it is just all gone from my head. oh well. enjoy the song.

updating is hard

I suck at blogging. okay now that is off my chest and I can start to try and be better. I read 2 blogs regularly and i am jealous of their commitment. of course i did start this for me and have no readers, so no big.


So, it has been 2 weeks and a lot has happened. I'll start with the Free Fallin' retreat. It was last weekend and it was awesome. We went to this place in alabama. It was really great to get away and relax (a little hiccup in that, but i'll tell you about that later). I got to shoot a gun for the first time ever! Oh, holy cow I want a shot gun! TOO MUCH FUN!!!!!! I think i did okay for my first time (10/25 and 9/25). It rained most of the weekend. I can;t really talk about the weekend much because it was mostly just relaxing. We did have sessions of God time and those were good. Saturday night we did a cool thing. We talked about what we are struggling with and mine was jealousy. After we discussed it we got to throw the piece of paper we were writing on in the fire. It was good, but my paper did not go in the fire. I'm not ready to let go of that and I have never been fake before and i wasn;t about to start then. I talked about my jealousy of people life stages. I am 26 and thought i would be married and on my way to kid #2 by now. I thought I would have an amazing nursing career and being doing something with my life.... i mean just something! I am not and that is hard for me when I look around and see people where i want to be, where i thought i would be by now. I also talk about my jealousy of my family who got to experience things with my Grandmother before she passed. I think i did a post on that a month or so ago. Sunday we got up and cleaned some and left. It was a good and relaxing weekend and I think we made some of the bonds among our class stronger.

The hiccup in the retreat Sarurday.... one of my best friend's weddings! Sam got married! Drew and i drove from the retreat on saturday morning to be a part of this very special day. I was nervous going about how i would feel. A little background to that statement: I love sam... i have for nearly half my life. I did not feel weird. I could not sit there, seeing sam beaming with pure joy and not be excited for him. I wish i knew lindsey better and i hope that will change in the future, but i wont hold my breath for that one. We did not stay long and that makes me sad. But we said our congrats and got back on the road to get back to the retreat. I am sad now but not for the reason one might think. Sam and I have had a special relationship from the beginning. I was 13 and he was a guy i had a crush on but lived too far away from. We met at summer camp and from there a great friendship developed. He has been there every step of the way for me the past 13 years and i would do anything for him. I am sad now because that has to change. We are just in different life stages and while that is hard enough with same sexed friends, the complications are far worse with opposite sexed friends. He will continue to be one of my best friends, but at midnight when i have a crazy thought or need a shoulder to cry on, he can't be my go to person. But with all of that said, I am so happy for him and lindsey! I pray that their lives and filled with happiness for many many years to come.


Other exciting news. I got my first clinic sub jobs! I was officially approved to start subbing on tuesday of this week and i got a class thursday to sub for 2 days at the same school. I took those. then friday I got a call to sub somewhere else that day, but i was already watching the girls and cleaning. It looks like this is going to be good for me. Other job news: there isn't really any which is good news. I have about 6 applications that i sent out a week ago and only one has come back as a no. That is a vast improvement.

So, time changes soon and I need to sleep. Bye for now blogger world!

Little blurp!

I haven't posted in a while... i will update you on my weekend later. it was long, busy, hard, fun, and needed... should be a fun and long post.

Varsity payback!

I got to hang out with my wonder aunt Kris today! I miss her living here so much and i wish i visited her in NC more often! We went to eat lunch at the Varsity (more on that later), chilled at Grandmother's, ate dinner at the Italian Oven, and went shopping at Borders.

So Borders is closing 5 atlanta area stores... oh my how i am going to get into trouble with that! I love books these days (and a lot of other crap they have there). Right now most stuff is 20% off so i will wait until stuff is reduced more. But it is going to cost me... and i;m okay with that! I can't wait to buy lots and lots of books!

My aunt is great! I worry about her a lot... especially since Grandmother passed. She is a busy, busy person and has 4 young kids and i just dont think she has gotten the time for herself to deal with Grandmother's passing. I wish she lived here! I need to talk to her a lot but I know she is busy and over the phone just isn't the same as in person any way. I want to make more time to go up there.

Sweet story about Livi (Kristi's almost 4 year old). She was going to bed last night at Grandmothers and said to Kris, "I'm ready for Grandmother to come back from Heaven now." Isn't that sweet?!?! And can I just say... me too Livi... me freaking too!

I haven't really talked to anyone much about Grandmother lately. I feel like I am coming apart at the seems when it comes to talking about her... and well, i dont like to lose it in front of people and i just feel like everyone (not my fam but my friends) have moved on from that. I know they would let me talk about it if I did, but Grandmother is all I want to talk about. I miss her! I MISS HER!!! I really want to hear her voice again... and at this point i would settle for a recording becuase I know it is all i'm going to get and I hate that! I want to talk to her and feel close to her again. today, Kristi was talk about their tript o Dollywood last summer and I just wanted to scream. I was invited to go but didn't want to leave my sister without someone to help her with the girls and I had already been gone a lost and couldn't afford to miss another week. I couldn't afford it was my biggest excuse... I thought I had time with her. i thought I have 20 more years with her... and I don't have any time now. I should have gone. I hate myself for not going. Just like I hate myself fot the countless times I turned down a trip to see Kristi with her. Why did I do that? I could have so many more memories with her... maybe that would have made this time less painful.

I need to stop with the sad... i'm losing it and I don't want to feel that right now.

So back to the Varsity.

If you don't live near Atlanta or have never been here or to the Varsity... it is AWESOME! They say the are the world's larges drive-in... but i dont think it is true. It is truly an experience to go there. it is just a burgers and hot dog place, but it is so old school Atlanta that it isnt even funny! So I had two chili dogs and onion rings. They were so good... like soooo good! But now, they have come back to bite me! I have horrible poo right now. I know TMI, but it is true. It is the greasiest food you will ever have, but soooo good! I swear the grease has to be 20 years old at least to get the flavor out of it that they do. Give it a try the next time you are in town... and bring some tums of pepto!

after the cruise

so i'm bad at this i know. The cruise was a lot of fun. There isn't a lot to say about it because mostly i relaxed a lot! that was the best part, although i kind of wish it had just been to a beach anywhere and not a cruise because i just slept. but seeing the Bahamas was cool. we went to the atlantis resort. it was beautiful and their aquariums were cool.

Next week i think will be hard. I will be sitting at a very very good friends wedding... and i honestly dont know if i will keep it together. i love him, this will be hard, i dont want it to happen, i am so happy for him... i think i will say goodbye, for the last time. its too hard to love him and not be the one he wants. i hope she protects his heart and cherishes it always.

Love and other drugs...

So no I didnt see that movie, but i want to and i thought it was a great title for an after v-day post. First... Sunday a group of us had a suite at the Thrashers game. We lost but i love being in the suite!

Okay, so Valentines day... um, I don't like it. I could pull the "oh, I'm single and loving it" bull that most single people try to do, but i wouldn't be fooling anyone. Don't get me wrong, I like not having to consult with anyone on my life, but I would love to have someone there to share life with... otherwise is a life really worth living? I think now (no i'm not suicidal, just still looking). I will say that I do not see valentines day as a couples only day. I use it to make sure the important people in my life know that I love them. So, My roommate Leslie and I took our second mom out to eat! Well really we invited her and she paid because she is sweet and awesome and we are broke! We had tiacoon sushi and it was awesome as always. then Les and I went to see The Roommate... great movie! Leighton Meester does an amazing job at being crazy! Go see it!

At papa's for the next 2 nights. Tomorrow I am actually not working. Instead I have a Clinical Sub trainging to go to. It could turn out to be an opened door into CCSD nursing pool for the school nursing position. Could be a good thing!

And then Thursday morning (really should say wednesday night because 2 am is a rediculous time to be awake) I will be getting on a charter bus with a bunch of women from church. We will be Orlando bound for our cruise! BAHAMAS BABY!!!!!! I can't wait to thaw out. More on that when I get back. Which is sunday FYI.

So at church we are reading though the Bible this year. I get a daily email with a chunk of verses... and i am about a week behind. I plan on catching up on the ride down! I am a Christian but I will be the first to admit I dont not know much of the Bible outside of VBS stories. I  mean, I look things up when I have a question, but in general I suck at reading His word. Hoping to get better at that.

Now it is question time! I have a mutt... he looks like a black lab. Brink is about 9 years old and keeps making bald spots on his back and hind legs from scratching and biting. He needs a bath, do you think that is all it is or might something more be going on? I feel like a horrible mom to my dog-child. HELP!

Melo is awesome!

So... I'll recap my past couple of days.

Monday: Nothing too exciting. But we had a going away dinner for my friend Drew. It is very sad to think of him as gone. He moved to Arkansas for a job and a change and to get back into life. I get it and fully support it and wish I could do the same. We has sushi and then watched scott pilgrim vs. the world. It was good. Fun to have a good laugh with Drew before he left.

Tuesday: Went baby shopping with Jenn for Melo ( Amelia Lois is her name, but I love that she is names after my grandmother so I will call her Melo). We registered at babies r us which is always fun... i want to just go and create random registries at places. then we went to target and bought stuff... bad combo with us together in the baby section! Was at Papa's that night. Nothing big, we talked a little and watched TV. I recorded a bunch of stuff because I was tired.

Wednesday: the girls' bunk beds came. They are huge!!!! I want some for my house. Sophie and Kate love them... they love to play on them. Went to Papa's and watched Idol. Watched some life news feed court thing for a while with him. it was so fascinating. Mom is being dumb... shocking. Something needs to happen there.

Then there is today, Thursday! Jenn got a call from Kaiser this morning. MELO IS JUST FINE! So to catch you up on that. Jenn's week 13 blood test came back abnormal. So she had to meet with genetic counselors and then get an amnio and high res ultrasound done. That was 2 weeks ago and today we know she is going to be a healthy baby! So excited about this!

It is now one week away from the cruise! I can not wait to thaw these bones out!

Happy Birthday Grandmother!

So today is rough! Today would have been my Grandmother's 72nd birthday! A little back ground is that my Grandmother passed on November 24, 2010 from mesothelioma (cancer). She was diagnosed just three short weeks before passing and while it is a true blessing that she did not suffer long, we are left here suffering without her. It was too short of a time! My grandmother had never been sick a day in her life which is rare... she even had to keep saying that to her doctors though out the whole process.

My Grandmother was an awesome woman! She is the embodiment of proverbs 31... something I want to be! She was still working full time when she got sick... at 71 still working her butt off doing something she loved! I think she was going to retire after this birthday and move to NC to be with my aunt and her kids. There are the only "grands" that are still little and she and Kris had an inseparable bond.

I am having a hard time with her not being here. When you are growing up you learn the lesson that people are not going to live forever... that is just a fact of life. And while I accept that, it is still rough when it happens.

I spend 2 nights a week with my Papa and it is a blessing to get this time with him. But it is so hard. Being with him isn't hard, he is really easy to get along with. But walking into the house and just wanting to see her is beyond words hard! I just want it to be a bad dream every time I go over there and I want to wake up and have her say "its okay nanoo I am right here". But it isn't a bad dream... it is my new reality and I hate it. i keep trying to find a place that make me feel close to her but I can't. I can't get past the huge hole that has been left in me. I just can't feel her... aren't you suppose to get a little buffer time of feeling the person you lost everywhere and then in a special place for the tow of you. I think my special place with her was in the car. I know it sound silly, but some of the best times I had with her was road tripping to see Kris! We would talk about everything and nothing... it was our time together for just us.

I find myself being jealous a lot of the experiences my sister, cousins, aunt, uncles, family friends, my friends, and really anyone who got to do something with her or had her at something that I will never get to. For example: My good friend Lauren got married last year. her husband told me today he was going through some things and found their guest book for their wedding and her signature was in there. I wanted to cry, but that is really cool for them. I will never have my grandmother at my wedding. She won't be in the bridal room getting ready with me, wont alter my dress, wont walk down the isle to the grandmother's song. Instead I get to carry a picture of her on my flowers or put a pink rose on an empty chair. I always thought those were such sweet moments and things when I went to wedding and saw that and now I am just bitter and mad about it!

My grandmother wont be there when I have kids. She wont give them their first bath or sing sweet songs to them. She wont whisper sweet words to them or kiss their noses. she wont get to tell them stories about how I was when I was their age. My kids will never get to be a part of a Grandmother Twas the Night Before Christmas reading, get her broccoli salad, or cranberry stuff It make me mad an more than a little resentful of my sister and cousins who have gotten all of this.

She wont be there when I buy my first house and need curtains. She wont be there when i finally get my first job or go back to school or get my bachelors or masters. She wasn't there for my 26th birthday. I never get to eat lunch with her again.

And then I just get sad that I am resentful off all of that when I got to spend a quarter of my life with her. I think about my little cousins who wont get to experience all of those things with her and so much more. It makes me so sad they wont have her for most of their first days of school or graduation, recitals, games, school dances, baptisms, broken bones, broken hearts, broke rules. they don't get to hear her "its okays" and "grandmother will fix its". My family lost it's rock, it's core, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Today is her birthday and I miss her more than ever. I want to feel her again. I talk to her all the time but I just want an answer and I will never get one. Why doesn't every one's life stop when you lose such a huge part of your world? Why does the world keep spinning?

Lois Brooks Nesbitt
February 6, 1939 - November 24, 2010

Forever Missed!

Failing

So I have failed horribly at keeping a blog right? Oh well!


I do not have the internet when I am at Papa's and usually don't have time to get on at Jenn's. So I am going to shoot for 3 posts per week.

Today is Friday! I really do love Fridays! I am going to clean my room today... that sucks. It is horrible. I mean like months on end of mail and clothes and what not just piling up! So my plan is to get my bathroom in order then the rest of my room. you don't want to hear about this!

I've been a bit blah emotionally these days. extremely moody! I snap for just about anything and want to cry a lot! But the crying is a funny thing, it doesn't actually come! Well, it tries when I am in the car. Only when I am in the car... crazy!

I've been hit in the face recently with a lot. The job thing, losing Grandmother, my best friend getting married soon, people not being who I thought they were... just a lot. I know it hitting me is in part due to me being moody, but I really don't know what to do about that right now.

I am going to go play the MJ wii game now... it is pretty funny! I will start the 10 day challenge soonish.

10 day challenge

Karen did this on tumblr and stole it from ezzie and kelechi... so now i will steal it. Ten Day Challenge. One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people. Two: Nine things about yourself. Three: Eight ways to win your heart. Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. Five: Six things you wish you had never done. Six: Five people who mean a lot. Seven: Four turn offs. Eight: Three turn ons. Nine: Two smileys that describe your life. Ten: One confession.

i will start on it later though... and give you my daily update too



Okay this is me updating:

So I'm going to start the ten day challenge tomorrow. Today i feel crappy... I pretty much feel like not being here. I feel like I am not worth much these days. That I am the last person anyone would come to for anything. That To potential employeers I am just a piece of paper and that piece of paper says that I am crap because I have no experience and can't even complete a BSN before having to drop it and get a lower degree. Okay, so I know the last statement is true and that is probably where this is stemming  from. But today was just crappy. I LOVE when people keep secrets from me. That just makes me feel awesome you know? Like what, am I not a trustworthy enough person for you that you really think I would go talking to everyone I know about what ever it was? Seriously... if you haven't looked at my life recently let me fill you in. I spend 10 hours a day with toddlers... the other 8 that I am awake I am usually alone. I have exactly 3 people that I talk to daily and it is because they are forced to be in the same room with me. WHO THE HELL WOULD I SAY ANYHTING TO? Sorry my mood sucks.

The girls got to play outside at day care today which is always a good thing. Then daddy (my BIL) was home when we got back so they got to play outside some more. Kate was too cute playing outside in the dead of winter in a tutu. I will be visiting the Dr office next with her I'm sure.

I'm going on a cruise. Not sure if I said that earlier. Lastnight I had to do my check in and set up an expense account for it. It is Feb 17th to the bahamas! woohoo! it is my first. the ladies ministry at church is doing it for a women's retreat. so pumped!

On to the diet! So today was good... still had 3 munchkins and a cornbread muffin, but if i didn't have them when I wanted them then I would devour a whole lot more when I eventually gave in. So for breakfast i had a california pite. it is really good. I had it the other day too. It is pita with almond butter and grapes. Almond butter is amazing! you should try it. and it is pretty easy to make. just google raw almond butter. then for lunch and dinner (i know, lame) I had the spaghetti squash again. I really do like spaghetti squash! I think it would be totally and completely yummo with some real sauce. Don't think I am going to do a snack at night any more. It is a lot of food for one day even though I have only been consuming between 1200-1300 calories everyday. It is just time consuming to eat 4 times a day.

So, I think it is safe to post now... my sister is having a GIRL! That makes #4!!!! so Amelia Lois will be here in June and I am so totally stoaked!

I'm off for tonight. Tomorrows post should be fun: hair day, babysitting, 10 day challenge... lots of stuff.

Sonogram day!

Um, no i'm not pregnant. My sister is. She and Mazz went to find out the sex today. I am very excited... but wont say until they have told everyone they want to. But i will tell you it is one of tow options... so you pick! But I will tell you the little peanut moves a lot! Jenn said they were having a hard time getting clear pictures for measurements and what not because it just kept moving! love that!

In dieting news... nothing big. Mazz got the girls doughnuts this morning so I have 3 doughnut holes... blueberry (my fav!). Other than those and the cornbread I made last night and couldn't resist today i did good! Have the spice avocado tacos and the mozzarella pizza again. they are just so good. But i did have to cut some fresh jalapeno and that always gives me a headache.

I am thinking about nixing the diet thought. It was good for the whole week i did it (I know... no will power). But I was looking at it from a money sand point. My grocery bill is about $60/week... that is up by 50% over my crappy eating habits. And to be honest, I don't really feel that much different. i just do the holiday weight off. I may do the 5 day fast forward once a month or every other month. I think i am going to try healthy trim. It is like $60 a month so I think that would be better... and easier. It is a pain to carry my meals around with me all the time. I am never at home at meal time!

I think that is it for today. One republic's Waking Up just came on... love that! Off to watch Idol and Nikita... lame I know!

Craisin and... eggs?!?!?

So, the diet is going good. Catch up moment: I am doing the Cinch! diet by Cynthia Sass. I had the California pita for breakfast, the best pizza I have ever made for lunch, spaghetti squash for dinner, and egg pesto and craisin spread for a snack. More of the egg later.

The pizza was awesome. It was half of a pita covered with garlic, tomatoes, basil, and fresh mozzarella. then all of that was topped with fresh garden greens and balsamic vinegar. Holy cow talk about amazing!!!! I really suggest that as a must try!

On to the snack part of my day. So it was a hard boiled egg mixed with pesto and rosemary and craisins spread on top of whole grain crackers. I was not bold enough to put the craisins in it... that just seemed weird! but the rest was good together. So, that was my dieting day.

Haven't jumped on a scale lately. I wont do that as often now. Maybe once a week, but probably less. it is better that way... i dont need the discouragement of no number change.

I'm at Papa's (my grandfather) tonight. It is pretty fun to get to stay 2 nights a week with him. He can be really funny. I am wishing I spent more time over here before Grandmother passed. I find myself missing her a lit these days. she crosses my mind more times than I can count each day. her birthday is coming up and I dont know what to do, but i feel like i should do something... something she would have loved. Any family reading? you guys have any ideas? Grandmother was always good at birthdays. She knew how to make you feel special every day you spent with her and bithdays were no different.

Tonight Papa and I picked lottery numbers. first the "great's" birthdays then the grands then the kids then aniversaries. But the time we got to fantasy 5 I think he was just making stuff up. It was funny. Also had my first event with his meds. Holy that is a lot of medication!

10:42: watching Off the Map and winding down. Going to sleep!

Goodnight blogging world! Thanks for stumbling with me!

Starting off...

So... It is a new year and after last year I am feeling the need to chronicle my life a little better. I've always been horrible at keep a journal, but maybe in electronic form I will be better at it. So this is it, my new blog to ramble about my daily life... or me stumbling though life like I feel many of us are doing.

so for those of you who are "blog stalkers" or just happen by my page let me introduce myself. I'm Danielle. I'm 26 and leave near Atlanta. I'm a nurse but that is not my job. I graduate from nursing school 2 years ago and the job market sucks for those who have no experience. So I work for my sister. She is awesome! I'm her kids "nanny" of sorts. I get to hang out with Morgan (12), Sophie (3), and Kate (2) monday through friday. We play games, yell at each other, pick up the house, watch movies, watch the disney channel, and color a lot! It is a fun gig and I am by no means complaining. I am single and pretty happy with that. Yes someday I want a family with a dog, big house, and picket fence but for now I am just me and that is great. I live with 2 other girls, leslie and hannah. Leslie has been my best friend for a while now. I say that because I don't actually know when we became friends. I've known her since I was 13, but we were not friends until later on. We found Hannah on Craig's list. Scary I know, but it is working out pretty well. Other characters of my life will pop up from time to time.


So that is kind of me in a nut shell. You'll learn more about me as we go, so no worries. I plan to be open and honest, as this is more for me than any of you and I want to remember every detail! So, I think this is it for my opening post. Have a good day, and stay tuned... more to come!